In April of 2014, I gave birth to twin girls, Ashley and Hannah, who never took a breath here on earth. By the grace of God, I have felt much peace amidst the journey of grief and tears. Along the way though, I have found myself considering the things that Christians say to one another in an attempt to comfort each other. One that has been on my mind on and off over the last year and a half has been Romans 8:28 "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose."
As you might imagine, it is hard to find "the good" in the death of children. During one conversation with my Pastor, he reminded me of "the good" that others might have experienced as a result of my grief...others' faith was being strengthened and people were being comforted by witnessing my journey. I knew what he said was true, however, it didn't bring me comfort. In fact, it stirred up anger. Why do others get to experience good, while I am full of grief? Why do others get to feel comforted while I only have fleeting moments of peace? Praise God for not allowing me to stay stuck in that anger. I was able to move from anger to acceptance. I continued to praise and worship my God who can redeem any situation "for the good," but I had come to accept that "the good" in this situation was for others, not for me. I told myself I was okay with that...yet, whenever I heard any kind of reference to Romans 8:28 an unsettled feeling arose within me.
And then, today, Friday November 6, 2015 happened. Right now I am in the middle of 3 Bible studies (please don't roll your eyes and stop here thinking I am telling you this because I am better than you. Trust me when I say to you that if I didn't have these structured Bible studies right now, I'd get caught up in the day and lose focus and possibly do none. I tell you this because it is important to the story). Typically, I do one in the morning, one at lunch and the other at night. This morning because I was going to be volunteering at the Mission on my lunch break I decided to do two of them this morning. It was this pairing together this morning that spoke to my heart.
My morning Bible study is currently on the book of Mark. Today's reading was part of Mark 9. What stood out to me was verses 23-24...."What do you mean, 'If I can'?" Jesus asked. "Anything is possible if a person believes." The father instantly cried out, "I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!" To this I responded with: There is something about having that question there, if I can? I felt like God was asking me! "Cynthia, what do you mean, if I can? Anything is possible if you, Cynthia, believe." Like the father in the story, I do believe in general but often struggle with doubt. Did God really have my good in mind when my babies died? Can he really calm my husband's grieving heart? Will He keep my living daughter healthy?...the father's request reminds me that with faith in God comes human thoughts of unbelief. These in and of themselves are not sinful, and are even expected on this side of heaven. It is what I do with those thoughts that matters!!!! Do I confess them and turn them over to God as the father does in this story or do I allow them to fester and let Satan use them? After a prayer asking God to help me in my moments of unbelief, I moved on to my other study.
Today was the last day of the study of Genesis and that is when Genesis 50:20 hit me like a ton of bricks right there in the devotional for this chapter someone else pointed it out..."You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Do you see that last part? "the saving of many lives"? THAT is "the good." All this time I have been defining "good" in my human, self-centered way. I wanted the good to be for me, then I resigned it to only be for others. But, my friends, the real good is the saving of many lives! God is using the death of my children to save many lives by making me braver to speak about Him and by allowing others to witness my journey. It isn't about human comforts, it's about saving lives. The story of this God filled day doesn't even end there. God kept the conversations going all day long to make sure it really sank in....I went on to lead a group therapy session for 13 people who are trying to overcome the disease of addiction and we talked about different definitions of good...then at the Mission, 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 on the screen "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."
After this day, I can't ever imagine feeling unsettled again when I read "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose" because now I know how to truly define "the good;" I can define it from an eternal perspective, from the perspective of saving lives instead of my limited definition. Praise God!!
As you might imagine, it is hard to find "the good" in the death of children. During one conversation with my Pastor, he reminded me of "the good" that others might have experienced as a result of my grief...others' faith was being strengthened and people were being comforted by witnessing my journey. I knew what he said was true, however, it didn't bring me comfort. In fact, it stirred up anger. Why do others get to experience good, while I am full of grief? Why do others get to feel comforted while I only have fleeting moments of peace? Praise God for not allowing me to stay stuck in that anger. I was able to move from anger to acceptance. I continued to praise and worship my God who can redeem any situation "for the good," but I had come to accept that "the good" in this situation was for others, not for me. I told myself I was okay with that...yet, whenever I heard any kind of reference to Romans 8:28 an unsettled feeling arose within me.
And then, today, Friday November 6, 2015 happened. Right now I am in the middle of 3 Bible studies (please don't roll your eyes and stop here thinking I am telling you this because I am better than you. Trust me when I say to you that if I didn't have these structured Bible studies right now, I'd get caught up in the day and lose focus and possibly do none. I tell you this because it is important to the story). Typically, I do one in the morning, one at lunch and the other at night. This morning because I was going to be volunteering at the Mission on my lunch break I decided to do two of them this morning. It was this pairing together this morning that spoke to my heart.
My morning Bible study is currently on the book of Mark. Today's reading was part of Mark 9. What stood out to me was verses 23-24...."What do you mean, 'If I can'?" Jesus asked. "Anything is possible if a person believes." The father instantly cried out, "I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!" To this I responded with: There is something about having that question there, if I can? I felt like God was asking me! "Cynthia, what do you mean, if I can? Anything is possible if you, Cynthia, believe." Like the father in the story, I do believe in general but often struggle with doubt. Did God really have my good in mind when my babies died? Can he really calm my husband's grieving heart? Will He keep my living daughter healthy?...the father's request reminds me that with faith in God comes human thoughts of unbelief. These in and of themselves are not sinful, and are even expected on this side of heaven. It is what I do with those thoughts that matters!!!! Do I confess them and turn them over to God as the father does in this story or do I allow them to fester and let Satan use them? After a prayer asking God to help me in my moments of unbelief, I moved on to my other study.
Today was the last day of the study of Genesis and that is when Genesis 50:20 hit me like a ton of bricks right there in the devotional for this chapter someone else pointed it out..."You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Do you see that last part? "the saving of many lives"? THAT is "the good." All this time I have been defining "good" in my human, self-centered way. I wanted the good to be for me, then I resigned it to only be for others. But, my friends, the real good is the saving of many lives! God is using the death of my children to save many lives by making me braver to speak about Him and by allowing others to witness my journey. It isn't about human comforts, it's about saving lives. The story of this God filled day doesn't even end there. God kept the conversations going all day long to make sure it really sank in....I went on to lead a group therapy session for 13 people who are trying to overcome the disease of addiction and we talked about different definitions of good...then at the Mission, 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 on the screen "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."
After this day, I can't ever imagine feeling unsettled again when I read "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose" because now I know how to truly define "the good;" I can define it from an eternal perspective, from the perspective of saving lives instead of my limited definition. Praise God!!